Movie Review – Machete!

It’s a toss up between, the taciturn star of Machete vs. the motley crew of The Expendables. Even with the odds against him, I’d put my money on the dude who hardly speaks, possesses only one deadpan expression and carries a big slice-and-dice blade!

Perhaps the first feature film ever based on a two-minute fake trailer in a previous movie (Grindhouse), Robert Rodriguez’s “Machete” might have sunk and burned but  “Machete”, is so delightfully ridiculous and over the top, that it’s actually highly enjoyable.

Rodriguez, the man behind “El Mariachi,” “Desperado,” “Sin City” and a lot more, co-directs along with Ethan Maniquis and you will see his signature, cheesy script and affected acting unfold before your very eyes. Watch out for Jessica Alba’s often cheesy and ‘stating-the-obvious’ script and also BIG hair that is frizzy and bad looking on purpose. Having said that, no amount of bad hair can make Jessica Alba look bad;) She’s so tastefully distasteful it’s genius.

Trejo’s Machete is an ex-federale with a complexion that looks like the inside of my gut and a penchant for extreme, bloody justice. After a tragic opening scene, during which a surprisingly fat Steven Seagal establishes himself as one of the film’s major bad guys, Machete ends up as a day laborer in Texas. He’s spotted and hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey), a mysterious man who wants him to assassinate the controversial Sen. McLaughlin (Robert De Niro). McLaughlin is running on an anti-immigration platform, so Booth figures a probable illegal immigrant wouldn’t mind taking a shot at him.

The whole thing is a setup (as revealed in both the fake Grindhouse trailer and the real Machete trailer): Booth is actually an evil adviser to McLaughlin who is looking to get the senator re-elected.  Fahey is hilarious; his sad days as The Lawnmower Man are now far behind him. As for De Niro, he hasn’t been this over-the-top fun since the ’90s. Think Max Cady, his deranged character in Cape Fear, but mellowed a bit by age and into politics.

photos via people theiapolis

There is also a a frequently naked Lindsay Lohan as a character relatively inconsequential to the plot (and I am sure her nakedness did not take much persuasion). She gets to play dress up nun. Finally.. remember when I say “nobody kills Seagal.. ” Watch out for the highly dramatic ending!

Great show. We loved every cheesy moment of it!


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